Since I haven't seen anyone responding to this I would like to use it as my online journal. I need an outlet and if anyone does get to read this: Cool, I hope it helps you.

So its been about 3, close to 4 years since I had last seen any of my friends which is crazy to even fathom. I moved out of L.A. one month shy of 4 years and I am moving again this time further eastward. But we just haven't spoken since none of them have been able to afford leaving L.A. and I honestly don't want to go back. I'm done with the city as its personally not for me. Not my flow and not my tribe. I need to socialize but with my schizophrenia I've found it hard to feel welcomed by anyone without feeling some hesitancy to bail when I feel I'm being unduly criticized.

Being an adult is rough and even worse when you have disabilities and kids who you want nothing but to bring the best to. But don't equate rough with impossible or even terrible. Being an adult isn't always one way or another, but instead it is more a way of thinking, a more mature and logical you. Because you can see the loons (Karens?) screeching their guzzards off without taking a moment to assess the situation. But I've found that as long as you are calm and can assess a situation without going off then you are essentially more or less an official adult.

But then if anyone ever wants to prestige or "up the difficulty" they can try parenting which by god does it get hard to a 9th degree. High risk high reward! This has a more difficult story with a more unpleasant beginning, but that's for neither here nor there. What I do want to leave on is that as long as you are cool, calm and collected you can manage any situation and avoid the worse that CAN be avoided. Mistakes happen and you're not an owl and don't have a great 360 view of your surroundings. Don't beat yourself. Not in this world. Its already hard enough and you have plenty to be proud of.

Hopefully I'll keep this up to soothe my mind and any other travelers stopping for some respite.

-Big Black