So its a new year and as always its fun to try out new activities and experience all the joys that come with it. I didn't really have any resolutions this year I'm just winging it and hoping that anything I do sticks with me. Like gum stuck to a shoe but less... inconvenient. Like for the past year/year and halfish I've had this terrible agoraphobia which I had once before during my teenage years and its a bit of the same but different. Its like the feeling of being afraid of heights but in all directions of space. I continued to exercise to try and break it off but it just comes back in kind and keeps a sturdy ass grip on me.

I'm not housebound or anything, but more afraid to venture far out like I used to. I loved travelling and going on road trips but I think the stress of being relied upon and that without my existence I leave loved ones behind without much to inherit for the sake of security. It's frightening. I overanalyze too much so I'm sure it doesn't sound like much but its what keeps me up at night. I try to focus on music and just enjoy life. Relaxing whenever I can, but I feel so alert. Like I'm on a rollercoaster I can never get off of. The moments of calm are those long straights without much momentum but then the anxiety kicks up as you edge up higher and higher. Then it just drops and goes in all sorts of directions feeling like straight up chaos.

That's where this year comes in and I'm continuing to fight the good fight. I'm looking for change of pace and change of lifestyle. Like doing things I don't normally do for the sake of sanity. Going outside and doing yoga in 0 degree weather, reading in the trunk of my car while I watch the snow fall or even playing guitar as I walk around my neighborhood. It feels like a curse and in my mind doing something odd would break it.

Aside from the grim side of things I'm just glad to be able to test the waters. I'm having a blast with Jamuary and trying out different sounds/genres. I'm looking to get some gear to record live instruments because honestly my piano skills are not the best. So if anyone knows of some affordable but quality brands of audio interfaces that'd be worth its weight. I've been doing my homework on which route to go, but I'm always open to suggestions as it's all new to me.

I hope everyone's year is off to a decent start and if you're feeling down and out just keep on pushing. When you hit the bottom you might as well do whatever you want while you climb back up. That is to say as long as it doesn't affect others in a negative way. So while you're laying there just take some breaths, take your time, but eventually move that body and kick up the dust.